Chased By My Soul’s Calling

I’m running naked eight years old, the bear behind me is getting closer and closer. I’m out of breath, the red dirt and rocks beneath my bare feet come to an end, a cliff edge. A moment before I startle awake, heart about to explode, the bear swipes it's clawed mitt at me and I fall off the plateau into the dark.

The next time the bear is chasing me in my pajamas through the hallway of my private Christian elementary school. My stomach knotted with shame. I came to school in my pajamas. I forgot to get dressed.

Over and over again, the bear found me in my dreams. It was relentless and specific. It wanted me and no one else, in a crowd, in a tent, in the wilderness. My heart beating out of my chest, waking me up in the middle of the night.

When I was twenty-seven years old and had just separated from my husband, I was temporarily staying with my best friend Kimberly. Sleeping on her futon couch in the walkout basement of an A frame up Lefthand Canyon in Boulder, Colorado. I had another dream that woke me up in the middle of the night and quietly snuck into the bathroom to write it down in my journal, trying not to wake her.

In this dream there were jaguars, too many black cats to count, it was night time and a woman who Kimberly had a photo of on her altar, Dawn Eagle, was beckoning me to follow her into the dark. I knew I needed to meet this woman.

The next morning, I told Kimberly I felt called to meet her mentor but I needed to go alone. I was anti-guru and didn’t want to end up in a cult. Kimberly was offended by my judgement but gave me Dawn Eagle’s phone number.

I met Dawn and immediately realized she did not want to be a guru nor would she allow us to call her a teacher. She consulted the dreams and they informed her of what I needed, how to peel away the layers and crack open the ancient fear of my true nature. She taught me that bear was a healer, foraged for herbs and taught our ancestors what to eat to heal physical ailments.

I would drive the two-hours-forty-five minutes from Denver Colorado to Laramie Wyoming and sit with Dawn in her mobile home, shifting consciousness, walking in two worlds, reconsidering what was wake and what was a dream.

Only then, the bears in my dreams quit chasing me.

They showed up in a river playing in the water, one black, one white, one poke-a-dot. The bears welcomed me into their circle. I don’t remember if I was naked or clothed or in my pajamas, because there was no fear, no shame, no running from my spiritual path, my calling.

I made peace with the bear. It had never truly been chasing to kill and eat me. It was trying to reach me to teach me about who I am.