Archives For communication

Re-New Year Focus

Natalie —  December 29, 2010 — Leave a comment

From Blog Free Hugs: The Virus of Connection

The start of a New Year is an opportunity to reflect on what has been and set intentions for what will be.  We live in the present moment, but dreams and desires for the future create focus for our lives.  Without focus we are usually disappointed with the results of our efforts.  If our wish is to experience a greater sense of love and fulfillment, a focus on authentic connection with others will help us create it.  Last year around this time, I recognized a desire to communicate in relationships where I had been avoiding a topic because it felt uncomfortable to address.  My aim was to notice when I felt resistance to share my feelings, take a look at the discomfort and find a path, however imperfect it may be, to express what I was feeling. 

There were a few nagging situations where I was afraid to reveal myself, to show my vulnerability or risk a loved one’s disapproval, in order to express my experience and needs.  I knew that withholding this expression was blocking energy flow not just in the relationships but in my life overall.  These unspoken feelings subtly prevented me from being at ease with the person.  My old way of operating was to think through what I would say in advance.  The problem with this approach was that it was based on the past.  It didn’t leave room for me to be present for what I was feeling in the moment and it got in the way of true listening.  It also built up a big backlog of energy that, however softly delivered, had the potential to make the communication much more intense than it needed to be. 

As an empathic person since birth, I had a pattern of reading people’s receptivity, feeling it in my body, and pre-determining whether it was safe to share information.  It was a child’s survival mechanism that worked well before I had energy tools that created healthier boundaries.  I didn’t want to disturb the peace and therefore withheld my feelings if it seemed that the person would be upset.  Over a period of many months this year, opportunities presented themselves to practice a new way of communication.  I had to give up believing that I could determine the right thing to say beforehand.  I had to let go of the outcome.  I had to own my vulnerability and risk being rejected.  I had to accept that what I shared may not make the person feel good.  But most of all I had to re-train my inner child who was feeling for the other and denying my own feelings.  I had to give these intimate relationships a chance to meet the fully revealed me, rather than protect them from it.  It wasn’t easy but it was worth the effort. In every case it renewed our relationships, set them on more solid ground. 

My 2010 intention was born from desire to authentically relate with others.  I have found that true connection, seeing another and being seen, is the most fulfilling aspect in life.  We all yearn for this connection and unconsciously choose our actions based on our beliefs of how we can experience it.  We can deepen our intimacy with the one’s we love through letting go of the assumptions that we are doing someone a favor by protecting them from the truth of our experience. When our aim is to generate love we can’t fail.

Intuitive Detective

Natalie —  May 12, 2010 — Leave a comment

I recently watched the movie Sherlock Holmes (2009) and was intrigued by how Holmes was portrayed as an intuitive.  His observations went beyond a keen eye for detail to solve a crime, revealing information one cannot detect with the five senses.  One scene in particular I found to be a perfect example of several aspects I have experienced as an intuitive.  He is invited to meet his partner Dr Watson’s fiancée Mary over dinner and is very resistant to losing his friendship to this woman.  When Mary pushes Holmes to tell her what he “sees” in her, he refuses but upon her prodding agrees.  His revelations of her past at first seem innocent then touch on the more tender aspect of a past love loss.  She reacts to his heartless approach by tossing a glass of wine in his face and stomps out of the restaurant.

This scene beautifully demonstrates the complex motivators and responses one can experience when sharing intuition.  The first skill Holmes models is respect of others by confirming their approval to be seen, he only read Mary with her permission and insistence.  In his detective work the permission to read comes from righting-a-wrong by revealing hidden information used to harm people.  Second, his personal agenda got in the way.  He was jealous and concerned that Watson’s relationship was changing the routine they enjoyed as partners in solving crime.  He used the opportunity to create conflict for his friend by delivering the information from a point of judgment rather than neutrality.  This heartless approach was hurtful to Mary.  While Mary acknowledged his read was perfectly accurate she responded by lashing out from her pain.  A glass of wine in Holmes face accompanied by an energetic whack was the punishment for speaking information that was outside of her comfort zone.  Holmes’ intent to create a divide between Mary and Dr Watson backfired and instead created a divide between himself and Watson, who felt inclined to protect the woman he loved from pain.

In such a short scene we are shown how important it is to check our intention before we deliver information even when it is asked for or demanded from someone in our life.  Holmes demonstrates overtly seeking permission to avoid disrespect of a person’s privacy by reading them against their will.   Throughout the movie Holmes expresses his lack of belief in magic and proves that the supposed magic being performed by the villain is simply many cases of creating illusion, manipulation of perception psychologically, with money or science.  Yet Holmes uses intuition in his detective work, tapping into non-scientifically proven sixth-sense awareness.  By doing so he validates intuitive information as part of the material world not the mystical one.

To See and Be Seen

Natalie —  April 7, 2010 — Leave a comment

When someone sees you for who you truly are it feels like a ray of morning sun on your face.  We all want to be seen and accepted without judgment.  It is rare to find a person who can see us for who we are without their projections intruding into that view.  As infants we receive a form of unconditional love from our mother.  We have yet to do anything intentionally to warrant her disapproval.  We are her creation and she is proud of that.  As we grow we explore and test the environment we are in.  Curiosity drives us to take risks that may not receive the approval of our care takers.   We begin to understand and be shaped by the responses of those whose approval we desire. 

Inside is the authentic Self that yearns to be loved and approved of by those we desire to share love with.  We can connect with others in a real and loving way by striving to be more neutral to the aspects of their character that are different from our own.  That does not mean denying the existence of our judgments.  It means looking at what formed them.  They are an indicator of an area where healing is available to us.  The more we take responsibility for our own projections onto others, the greater freedom we gain.  Less of what they do disturbs us.  We are able to look at it and be grateful for the reminder of our own humanity.  We are able to have more compassion on ourselves. 

Neutrality is one of the most powerful tools available to our intuitive truth.  Without it we run the risk of not seeing clearly.  When we carry emotions like guilt, obligation, judgment, pain or fear we adjust our information in response to a projected desirable outcome.  Neutrality is about taking the energetic charge off of a perception, releasing the need to control others.  Letting it be okay for them to be where they are at.  Neutrality does not assume a lack of compassion or empathy.  It doesn’t prevent you from having opinions about issues or experiences.  What it does is free you from your resistance and blocks to seeing the truth.  By giving others the gift of your neutrality you are able to see them and hopefully they will be able to come closer to truly seeing you.  Namaste (the light in me sees the light in you).

If you are one of those people who has a natural intuitive strength you may have found over the years that your insights are not always well received. You see something and say it to a person involved in the perception and they either invalidate it with denial or even react harshly lashing out at the suggestion. This happens because the person you are sharing your intuitive truth (it) with is not ready to hear it or they feel vulnerable that you see something they haven’t seen themselves. Alternately they may have seen it themselves but not be ready for you to see it. The intuitive person’s intent is to be helpful or possibly we are purely unconscious of the fact that we are reading information that is not overtly available. When we are not aware of our boundaries in reading we often violate other people’s comfort zones by offering up friendly insights. This can result in receiving a lot of negative response to our intuition; verbal or energetic whacks warning us that we’ve crossed an invisible line.

When is it okay to share intuitive information that is related to another person? My truth is that we need to ask the person permission to provide the insight before volunteering it. By acknowledging another’s boundaries and giving them the option to say “no thanks” we will reduce negative feedback from sharing our intuitive truth. Before you speak, consider what the impact may be in your relationship with that person. Whenever you share an insight it is important to release attachment to the outcome. If you can’t do so, the communication will be delivered with a hook. That energy will make for a very sticky situation that feels like judgment or control to the receiver. No fun. The more we learn to have our intuitive truth for ourselves and release that which drives us use it on behalf of others, the more peaceful our lives become.