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intuition in your relationship space: love, family, friendship

Judgment is a form of control used to move someone onto our agenda.  The silent or embedded message it carries says, “Your choice is not acceptable to me, so choose something different that I’m comfortable with.”  Energetically, judgment is an attempt to control our power center, the area just above the bellybutton (3rd chakra).  It knocks us off-center to give the judge the power position.  Or it allows them to hook into our energy and redirect it to their agenda.

Noticing how we respond to the energy of control attempts from judgments, allows us to strengthen our power by neutralizing the energy rather than getting knocked off-center by it.  Some common responses to judgment are self-inquiry, seeking approval, self-sabotage or over achievement.

Self-Inquiry – The natural first response to someone’s judgment is self-inquiry.  Is it true?  Depending on the relationship we have with the person, we may just assume it’s true. This can translate into thinking something is wrong with us.  Alternately it may be an opportunity to self-reflect, look at a dark corner in ourselves and decide if we want to keep feeding that aspect.  The key indicator here is what our body is telling us, do we feel out-of sorts; is our stomach a bit anxious?  Our body is our intuitions first barometer.

Seeking Approval – The most powerful people in our lives are the ones we love, second only to those in authority positions.  When we love someone it is natural to want their approval.  Even when we are just getting to know a person, we are determining their response to us and would like to be seen favorably.  Judgment comes from unconscious or conscious beliefs that require change of another’s behavior to in order for them to receive approval.  On the spirit level, when we alter what we know to be our truth in order to seek the approval of another, we are depleting our energy, giving a piece of ourselves away.  This is the energetic hook that can become a chronic vampire of our life-force if we continue to deny our truth in order to please others.

Self-Sabotage – Feeling judged can cause us to feel angry.  This anger is intended to show us our boundaries have been violated.  When we are act from the anger we respond one of two ways, self-sabotage or over compensation.  We may consciously say, “they are wrong.” But unconsciously believe the judgment and use our anger to propel us to some self-sabotaging behavior that proves them right.  This is an extreme example of judgment throwing us off-center.

Over Achievement – Alternately we may feel the need to prove the judge wrong by excelling our efforts toward success in the direction we’ve chosen.  This can be a form of competition energy or rebellion against the control. We have to demonstrate that we didn’t deserve the judgment through our success.

When we let judgment be the issue of the person judging by staying in our center, we retain our power.  We don’t let the outside energy influence us to think less of our self, seek approval, self-sabotage, over achieve or throw us out of balance.  We continue to be our true self rather than react in one of the other ways.

Reaction to judgment can actually be a catalyst that generates new experiences that we learn from whether through success or failure.  But if we change our course to respond to another’s judgment we are still changing course, which means we are on a less direct path to the life we want.

Being aware of the energy behind judgment and practicing mediation to stay in alignment with our truth, helps us strengthen our ability to remain centered in the face of judgment and control.  Then we are able to use the emotions we feel in response to being judged such as anger or uncertainty to set healthy boundaries, heal aspects of our self and even catapult us in a direction of our choosing.

Connection is essential to feeling loved. We chase away loneliness when we choose to reach out to connect with people in the simplest of ways, eye contact, a smile, touch or an honest share of our feelings.  Connections make life meaningful; contribute to our sense of belonging and feeling seen.

In December I was reflecting on past holidays as I decided what I wanted to create for my own experience.  On one side of my family, I looked forward to being together because there was connection. We connected through conversation, music, crafts, games and sharing a meal.  On the other side of my family, holidays weren’t negative but gathering together was sort of mundane.  Family members didn’t know how to connect.  It didn’t seem anyone looked forward to spending time together.  People went through the motions of preparing a meal and opening gifts because that’s all they knew. It felt lonely even within a group of people I loved.

Love and connection is a two-way street.  It requires two participants to be willing, interested and open to revealing themself.  It can be vulnerable and not always comfortable to connect.  Reaching out to connect can be misinterpreted because people have different points of reference. We may be distrusted, seen as intrusive or manipulative based on the recipient’s experiences/projections or if our energy comes from a place of neediness. More powerful than our resistance to trust connecting with others is the essential need we all have to be seen and accepted for who we truly are, to be loved and validated for our essence without contingencies.

Connection in current culture requires some effort and intention.  Our worlds aren’t designed to be inter-dependent, rather independent.  We are taught to be self-reliant and not ask too much from others.  We are taught distrust of strangers.  A sense of community has to be sought out and is no longer organically part of our cultural experience.

There is so much constantly happening around us that we often either let the vibration of our environment direct our feelings or find ways to check-out to tolerate it.  The habit of maintaining a certain degree of distance in operating in the world, to keep our energetic sanity, also deprives us of the vitality offered through connections.  Connections can only be fulfilling and sustainable if they come with healthy energetic boundaries.

Connection can be as simple as looking someone in the eye and smiling as we pass them by. Acknowledging them, seeing them rather than leaving them in the periphery of our experience. No matter what I am doing, if I feel connected, whether it is to a person, an animal, nature or God, I experience life as very rich and fulfilling.

When I notice myself feeling lonely or wondering about life’s meaning, I ask myself, how can I connect in a way that brings me into greater alignment with myself?  What can I offer in the connection so it is balanced and mutually beneficial? When I reach out to connect, my energy always shifts in a positive way.  My spirit drops deeper into my body. I relax, feel more peaceful and purposeful.

I got a call recently from a client who had just received an energy whack from a family member.   Her cousin had sent an email that read, “Guess who I ran into?” with a photo of herself squeezing this woman’s ex-love tight.  Knowing there was a lingering heartbreak.  When my client received the email she felt wobbly, off-center, angry and hurt.  She wondered why her cousin would intentionally cause her pain.

Another friend experienced an energy whack last week by having her confidence betrayed.  The intention behind her words misconstrued then repeated to others.  It brought up feelings of self-doubt.  She asked herself, should I trust this person anymore? Why did I even say anything?

An energy whack can come in the form of words (verbal, text or email), direct or indirect actions that wound us.  The vibration behind the words is charged with judgment, control, anger, competition and/or punishment.  The unconscious agenda of a whack is to throw the receiver off balance, push them away, so the person delivering it can feel more in control of the situation or claim the power position, thus establishing an adjusted boundary.

An energy whack might be rooted in jealousy, harbored resentments, defensiveness, fear of failure or other unconscious psychological sources that have nothing to do with the recipient.  When we experience being whacked by someone, it can take us from a perfectly normal state into a state of confusion, anger, distraction or depression.  The deepest whacks often come from someone we are closest to.  We care more about their perspective and our heart is more open to them, therefore the impact is greater.

To reclaim our sense of balance after being whacked, we need to clear the harmful energy out of our space.  This simple visualization helps us reclaim our spiritual seniority:

  • Imagine a bubble suspended in the air in front of your body.
  • Notice where you are feeling physical tension from the energy whack you received.  Is it in your belly, your throat, your head or somewhere else?
  • Intend that the energy of the whack you received move out of your aura body into the bubble. You might want to name it by the emotions behind it (control, anger, punishment)
  • It may move fast or it may be sticky and take a while.  You’ll feel when it is complete by a release of the physical tension.
  • When the bubble is full of all of the whack energy, send it to a faraway place in your mind’s eye and watch it pop.
  • Then call your energy back to yourself from this person and the situation.  See yourself being filled up with the energy of your own essence flowing into the top of your head.

Whacks catch us off guard and can throw is in a tail spin.  We’ve all whacked others unconsciously and sometimes we even notice it happening as the words slip out of our mouth, wishing we could take them back.  The more we learn to be senior in our energy space the less impact whacks have on us.  We can see the root of the energy and be more neutral to it. The more neutral we are the less we get triggered by others toxic energy sent our way.

Sex, Love & Soul Contracts

Natalie —  February 15, 2012 — 5 Comments

Soul contracts or relationship agreements have a heavy influence on our experience of attraction and attachment. When we have a relationship agreement or soul contract with someone we find ourselves drawn to them and may not understand why. We just know that something strong is pulling us to connect.

Attraction is a combination of the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. The enduring connections combine all aspects aligned for both parties. When one party experiences a significantly stronger attraction than the other and the relationship doesn’t take root or roots itself in shallow soil.

Sexual connections with someone we have a soul contract with can be expansive, crack us open and leave us wanting more. The momentary energetic oneness stirs up all that our souls have known together. It can be both ecstatic and excruciating. Beyond the primal physical and psychological aspects of our mating game, what is it that hooks us in? Why might one person think its love and the other not?

When we have a soul contract with someone, a promise we’ve made in this life or a past lifetime, both parties don’t always see the agreement the same context. It may be there is a debt owed from incomplete karma. Or our promise was to show-up to remind the other person of something they asked us to remind them of, even if it doesn’t feel so loving when we deliver the message.

Our messenger may arrive when we aren’t in a good place to receive the message or they may not relay the message in a form we comprehend. We may react, stir the pot with awareness that isn’t fully informed, and create more karma with each other rather than healing or competing past unresolved energies.

We may feel like we’ve known the person forever although we just met. We might feel an irrational sense of attraction when we have nothing in common; or an unexplainable sense of attachment after a short encounter. These are not just psychological or physical responses. There is a layer of spiritual activity a play.

When both parties are present to the possibility of the soul contract, healing and growth is heightened. A powerful aspect of self-responsibility comes when we own our ability to update our relationship agreements rather than be at the whim of whatever comes.

If you have a soul contract you are ready to update to present time you can do this by going into your mediation space and visualizing the relationship agreement with the particular person, the contract:

  • See the details or general aspects of the agreement and choose what parts you would like to keep which parts you are ready to release.
  • Imagine the parts that are outdated being crossed off the contract.
  • Send the request through your intention to the soul of the other person.
  • Sign the new contract with your mark, to make it real.
  • Put it in an imaginary bubble and ask the Supreme Being to bless it.
  • Ask your Akashic record keeper to record a copy of the new agreement and to give a copy to the other person’s record keeper.

If the relationship is very deep and influential you may need outside help from a professional clairvoyant healer to see clearly the aspects of the relationship that need to be adjusted. Romantic relationships, love and sex are powerful influencers in the human experience. Honor that power with your positive intentions and give yourself grace for the healing process.

My grandma doesn’t hear very well even with hearing aids, but if she’s tuned-in she knows what’s going on even from the other room.  This is especially true if you don’t want her to hear what you are saying! I noticed in a recent visit with her that I’d be thinking of something and she’d come in from the other room and answer my question or suggest we get milk at the grocery store, something I was about to mention.  Yet there are certain people in her life, her children in particular, that she has a harder time hearing than the rest of us.

Her physical sense of hearing doesn’t get temporarily worse and she’s demonstrated that where her hearing falls short she can make up for it with her intuition. But like many of us who are challenged by certain relationships in our lives, the unresolved energy between her and her children causes her to resist what they have to say. She can’t hear it and it has nothing to do with the volume, her ability or her intuition.  She’s blocked.

We figure out how to navigate our home environment using all six senses, first learning to intuitively read our parents before we understand verbal communication.  As adults, when we ask family members to engage in new levels of communication sometimes they just don’t get it and seem to sort of glaze over.  This happens in marriage and long-term friendships too.

We try to communicate in many different ways and find that it’s not getting through. Our friend or family member can’t hear us.  All approaches to expression fail to get the point across.  We might as well be speaking a different language given the lack of understanding or recognition.  And we wonder if our intuition is misleading us that something is amiss because our loved one doesn’t validate our experience with acknowledgment.  It’s frustrating.

What we are experiencing is a threshold of capacity in the person.  While it may seem that it is their choice not to hear us, it is more likely a spiritual or emotional block so deep that they can’t consciously make the choice.  We are trying to accomplish the impossible.  The only way to get past this block is for the person to have some form of healing breakthrough that opens them up to hearing. It can’t be forced and it will only happen if they seek out the shift for themselves.

When we’ve reached a point where it’s clear that nothing we say will get through.  Our best path is to turn our attention inward and begin clearing out the blocks in our own energy field.  In mediation, we visualize energy moving out of physical body such as rejection, resistance, judgment, frustration and any sense that we won’t be ok unless this person hears us. The energy can move into a rose or bubble then that object, as seen in our minds-eye is sent to a distant place to dissolve.

After we’ve cleaned out our aura body we feel lighter.  To complete the empowerment process we can visualize filling our space in with the sensations of having our needs met in relationship, of being heard, understood and accepted.  Then in the physical world, find a place where we can communicate our experience and be heard, acknowledged, even if that is in the privacy of our own journal.  We focus on building relationships where we are heard.

“You should know how I feel.”

The closer we are to a person the more we assume they will interpret and respond to our needs and desires without verbal communication.  It’s tempting to try to intuitively read other’s needs to reduce conflict in relationships but in doing so we enter hazardous territory.

Our first point of reference in any situation is how we would feel or experience it.  That is the root of why people expect others to know how they feel.  Those of us who are naturally intuitive first experienced reading others feelings and needs empathically (second chakra).  When we empathically read there’s a tendency to match the emotion which alters our clarity.

As we evolve our intuitive skills to a point of better boundaries, we move out of feeling a person and matching the energy, into a space of seeing (sixth chakra).  When seeing rather than feeling we are in a stronger position to provide support, if it is welcomed by the person in need.

Another hazard of reading someone’s needs and responding, rather than asking for direct communication, is identifying the source of truth we are seeing. Each human has four need centers:

  • body
  • mind (conscious or subconscious)
  • emotion/heart
  • soul/spirit

These aspects of Self are not always in agreement.  Our need centers perceive their yes/no with different priorities and filters.  The body may determine rest is the top priority while the mind and emotions override it with an agenda that they perceive is more important to complete before rest is allowed.  When we try to gauge this priority for someone else and respond to what we see, we come across as controlling rather than supporting what they know to be true for themselves.

In addition, when we read others without their permission, even if it is from a place of wanting to help, we are intruding on their psychic space.  That intrusion whether consciously noticed or not, creates discomfort for the person we are reading.  They feel outside energy in their space and find it harder to get clear on their own needs. They push back actively or passively to try to regain a sense of stability for themselves.

People we care about may insinuate they want us to read their minds or know what they need without us asking them, but when we do there are many potential land mines to navigate. Our best course of action is to communicate more than necessary when we sense someone needs something from us before we act.  And stay focused on keeping a clear awareness of our own needs so we can communicate them to those who support us.

Relationship Karma

Natalie —  August 24, 2011 — 4 Comments

Have you ever wondered why some relationships end with a sense of being unsettled even when it is clear that the reasons for being together, the attraction or the love have faded away?  We all have soul level contracts with many people.  They consist of agreements made through conscious commitments to each other and unresolved experiences we have shared that build a backlog of karma. 

Relationships that include experiences of pain or commitments unfulfilled leave us with a sense of incompletion.  You know it’s over but it’s not really over, it’s just over for this lifetime.  It’s the same for relationships that start but stop before the past karma has been resolved. 

On a spirit level, karma is our energetic bank account, a reserve of resources we’ve built up from experiences as a soul.  This energy carries forward into our new encounters.  Karma is also a backlog of unresolved energy we have the opportunity to heal or release.  As we wander this lifetime we are presented with opportunities every day to create more karma through our interactions.

When we have karma with someone, it means we have a history as soul’s together, experiences both positive and negative.  We may have been married in the past, friends or opponents in war.  We may have betrayed another soul, saved their life or had incomplete access to information about our experiences together, which left us unresolved as we exited that lifetime.

 We are attracted to relationships where we have karma we need to complete.  There’s something for us to do together and we feel it in a magnetic way.  There’s a commitment to keep, a debt to fulfill, amends to make or we simply had such a great time with this soul in a previous life that we want to celebrate the reunion and have some more fun.

If we are in a relationship that releases that unresolved backlog through new experiences together, eventually we’ll get to a point where we feel there’s not as much drawing us to the person.  We feel less attracted. The zing of excitement that the unresolved karma generated may leave the relationship feeling lackluster, in a slump, even boring. Often when the intense karma is complete in an intimate relationship one or both people feel it’s lost something and they want to end the agreement.  

When we find ourselves at this juncture in a relationship, we need to create a new purpose for being together, such as agreeing to build joyful experiences together.  With two willing and committed souls, making it past this threshold of awareness can take our relationship fulfillment to new heights. 

If we want to release karma with another and they are not a willing participant in the healing process we can start by calling on our spiritual resources.  At the basic level it requires taking responsibility for our contribution to the karma that has been created, whether it was through allowing ourselves to be the victim or inflicting some harm on another. 

Using clairvoyance and soul healing tools in my work, I help clients look at the unresolved- energetically charged experiences in their relationships.  In this process we release the charge on past experiences, bring the relationship agreement into the present desired state and communicate with the Akashic Record keeper to update the soul records with this new information.   The soul agreement healing allows us to move forward without that sense of incompletion even when the other person is not interested in participating in resolution.

Commitment

Natalie —  August 4, 2011 — 2 Comments

The Great Stupa at Shambala Mountain Center

Last weekend I reunited with a dear friend of nearly twenty years and was reminded of the power of commitment as we walked the land at Shambhala Mountain Center and meditated at The Great Stupa.  Kimberly and I met working at a clothing store in Boulder, Colorado while we were college students. We had a casual social friendship but were living very different lives. She was single and free.  I was married with a house in the suburbs. In those early years our friendship ebbed and flowed.  We would lose track of each other then find each other again.

Once she sold everything and moved to Durango to live in a tent, I thought I’d never see her again, and then suddenly I ran across her on the street feeding burritos to the homeless.  That was the year I graduated and she took a road trip to the west coast finding me in my hometown a week after I’d returned from my own post-graduation trip to Africa.  The out-of-state meeting rekindled our friendship.

As we became closer we hit several bumps in the road.  My fiery Leo energy was challenging for her watery Scorpio energy.  Periodically I’d boil her out of the water without even realizing I’d done so.  She’d need some space and I’d say “Huh?”  It was the dance of cultivating a friendship that ran deeper than most, pushing us each past our edge to a new level of trust, accountability and transparency.  More than once we formally quit being friends for awhile.

Each time we’d come back together somehow and remember what we valued in each other.  She was the friend who was with me the moment I realized my marriage was over.  She was the friend who understood more than anyone the spiritual path that I was compelled to walk.  She walked it too.

Nearly a decade had past when we decided to consciously commit to our friendship. No more of the predictable break-up, make-up.  We agreed to take responsibility for whatever was going on for us individually, communicate and hold space for the friendship as we worked through whatever was up for us.  At that time we also acknowledged our soul agreement: our purpose for finding each other in this life was to remind each other of our spiritual paths.

Life is a series of remembering and forgetting and remembering again.

The tables have turned, now she’s married with a son and a house in the country while I’m single and free.  Commitment and consciousness made our relationship more stable.  We’ve had cycles of conflict since then, drifting apart and then finding each other again. But now days when one of us takes a path that the other doesn’t understand, we hold space for each other and wait for the rekindling of our connection.  We remind each other of our true Self when life has taken us on a detour.  It always happens, because we are committed.

 “Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.  Concerning all acts of initiative and creation there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself then providence moves, too.” Goethe

Some people fuel their life by tapping into the energy of others.  The most skilled energy consumers find a way to hook into us and keep us hanging.  Part of their pattern is use of a compelling promise that goes unfulfilled. It is sticky to keep us from detaching from them.  This type of draining relationship connection feeds on our deepest desires, making it particularly hard to reclaim our power.

We may notice the relationship has us waiting on a future return but subconsciously feel there’s a payoff in it for us, the fulfillment of something we need.  Our desire may be the love they offer, the purpose we feel from helping them, a sense of being valued, or the influence we may gain from connection to their projected power. I call this the hook and retreat energy dynamic. 

This friend, lover or family member frequently says or insinuates the value of staying connected to them is in a future promise.  “When I do ______, you’re going to get ______.”  When I make a lot of money, when I become famous, when I get a divorce, when I get promoted, when I die, when I finish whatever I am doing that requires me to ask you for more energy than I give you in return.  Unfortunately the time of rebalancing rarely comes.  The energy consumer hasn’t figured out how to generate their own power so they seek it in outside sources.  If they do finally achieve a goal, there’s no lasting payout for us because their target changes to a future date.

We all have been on both sides of energy exchange; no one is immune to moments of giving or taking out-of-balance. But when we experience hook and retreat, our body will let us know through a sensation of tightness or queasiness in our belly.  This is the location of our third chakra, where we activate our personal power.  The body notices that our power is being redirected.  The result is less energy for our own creations and a sense of being off-balance. 

The hook and retreat relationship has moments that make us feel crazy.  The words, actions and energy of the energy consumer are questionable enough to evoke a sense of uncertainty.  Our intuition is trying to make us aware of the deception.  The energy consumer always believes their own story so they don’t realize they are being deceptive.  The imbalance created from the cord into our core makes it hard to see clearly and remove ourselves or renegotiate the relationship. 

Here are a couple of tools you can practice to reclaim your power when you have been hooked:

  • Clean out your 3rd chakra.  Visualize a gold rose and see it mopping out that belly area front to back, soaking up all the energy that is not yours in that space.  Imagine the rose flying somewhere far away and dissipating.  Call your energy back to you from any person you’ve given your power away to and fill the empty space with your own vibration.
  • Visualize a Protection Rose in the space between you and this person.  The intention of the rose is to filter out any attempts to attach to your energy.

The stealth aspect of this behavioral pattern is how it taps into our subconscious desire.  We are seduced by a subversive agenda.  The truth that we are never going to get the need met is hard to see. It feels possible and it feels strong.   By reclaiming our energy space we have the opportunity to see the relationship more clearly and gain energy to use for our own creations.

Past experiences alter the lens we perceive our life through, causing our perception of certain relationships to be tinted, foggy, distorted and even blinding us.  When we act on inner-guidance that is skewed by a false perspective we don’t generally get positive results.  These past reference points are often the biggest block to accurately interpreting our intuition.

Our relationship with our inner-guidance is similar to our relationship with a friend. We build trust through experiences together.  In all relationships we enter with assumptions based on our past.  Those unconscious beliefs and expectations effect how long it will take us to create a sense of safety and trust with the person.  If our past experiences have been full of betrayal and pain we may never feel safety and trust.  We may not be able to embrace the positive a person has to offer as we see them through a false belief filter.

Most limitations we face in relationships start with false beliefs.  The lens through which we perceive the world attracts familiar experiences and has us automatically respond to life in a way that gives us an expected result. We formed these beliefs through our own encounters and the examples shown to us by family and society.  In the moment of their creation they had truth and relevance. That doesn’t mean they are true and relevant today.

To build a sense of trust with our intuition we need to form a conscious relationship with it, becoming aware of our filters based on outdated beliefs.  This means when we check-in with our inner-guidance and get a response, we dive deeper.  We ask ourselves if the information is true for us in this specific time and place.  We ask if it is in alignment for our body, mind and heart. What feels good to our body can harm our mind and heart. What feels good to our mind may not be the best choice for our heart or body. Alignment is the key.

Awareness of our experience based lenses and how they distort our view in relationships can help us understand why we aren’t interpreting our intuition clearly.  The experiences we have that show us our intuition is true, protecting us from harm and directing us on a positive path, help develop trust.  When we clean out false beliefs influencing our perception we build more trust in our inner-guidance.  This encourages us to seek out its company and deeply listen to what it has to say in every situation.