Archives For boundaries

Work energy is great to access at the appropriate times but it puts a damper on warm connections with loved ones and can override our personal needs, the true juice of a joyful life.  Shifting our lead energy vibration between work and non-work time can be difficult. There is pleasure derived from certain aspects of the work and it takes our focus off of other aspects of life we have less control over. Our focused, productive analytical Self is “on” and were getting things done but how do we change the tone when the work day is done?

Today I was reminded of the unspoken lesson that Mister Rogers reinforced at the beginning of each TV program.  He walked in the door of his home, took off his suit jacket and put on a cardigan.  Then he changed out of his professional shoes and into sneakers.  All while singing!  He ritualistically shifted gears as soon as he got home, to a focus on relaxation, connection and playfulness.

In addition to changing our clothes or moving into a new environment, we can consciously change the volume of certain vibrations of energy in our space.  Visualizing an imaginary gauge in front of us to make adjustments, like a fuel gauge reads empty to full, the needle can show us how full our space is of a specific energy.  Is our analyzer on 75%, decision maker at 50%, income earner and task oriented Self at 100%? What about our creative energy, curiosity, sensuality, adventurousness?

At the start of a work day we turn up those energies that will be helpful to in getting our work done.  At the end of the day imagine turning them down and turning up the volume of the vibrations you want to experience while not working.  You may also want to visualize the energy from all of your work encounters and activities moving out of your space into a balloon and either tie the string holding that energy balloon somewhere to retrieve later when needed or set it free to move out of your aura field, leaving a cleaner space for your next focus.

I’m applying the Mister Rogers principle to consciously shift my energy from work to personal time… won’t you join me?  Turn down the analytical, achievement oriented business vibration and turning up the creative, nurturing, permission to relax vibration at the end of your work day.

My grandma doesn’t hear very well even with hearing aids, but if she’s tuned-in she knows what’s going on even from the other room.  This is especially true if you don’t want her to hear what you are saying! I noticed in a recent visit with her that I’d be thinking of something and she’d come in from the other room and answer my question or suggest we get milk at the grocery store, something I was about to mention.  Yet there are certain people in her life, her children in particular, that she has a harder time hearing than the rest of us.

Her physical sense of hearing doesn’t get temporarily worse and she’s demonstrated that where her hearing falls short she can make up for it with her intuition. But like many of us who are challenged by certain relationships in our lives, the unresolved energy between her and her children causes her to resist what they have to say. She can’t hear it and it has nothing to do with the volume, her ability or her intuition.  She’s blocked.

We figure out how to navigate our home environment using all six senses, first learning to intuitively read our parents before we understand verbal communication.  As adults, when we ask family members to engage in new levels of communication sometimes they just don’t get it and seem to sort of glaze over.  This happens in marriage and long-term friendships too.

We try to communicate in many different ways and find that it’s not getting through. Our friend or family member can’t hear us.  All approaches to expression fail to get the point across.  We might as well be speaking a different language given the lack of understanding or recognition.  And we wonder if our intuition is misleading us that something is amiss because our loved one doesn’t validate our experience with acknowledgment.  It’s frustrating.

What we are experiencing is a threshold of capacity in the person.  While it may seem that it is their choice not to hear us, it is more likely a spiritual or emotional block so deep that they can’t consciously make the choice.  We are trying to accomplish the impossible.  The only way to get past this block is for the person to have some form of healing breakthrough that opens them up to hearing. It can’t be forced and it will only happen if they seek out the shift for themselves.

When we’ve reached a point where it’s clear that nothing we say will get through.  Our best path is to turn our attention inward and begin clearing out the blocks in our own energy field.  In mediation, we visualize energy moving out of physical body such as rejection, resistance, judgment, frustration and any sense that we won’t be ok unless this person hears us. The energy can move into a rose or bubble then that object, as seen in our minds-eye is sent to a distant place to dissolve.

After we’ve cleaned out our aura body we feel lighter.  To complete the empowerment process we can visualize filling our space in with the sensations of having our needs met in relationship, of being heard, understood and accepted.  Then in the physical world, find a place where we can communicate our experience and be heard, acknowledged, even if that is in the privacy of our own journal.  We focus on building relationships where we are heard.

Ghost buster at Zombie Crawl Denver 2011

All Hallows Eve is creeping in with curiosity and playful energy about ghosts, zombies, paranormal and the dead in various forms.  When people feel something tangible that they can’t see or touch it can be frightening and a thrill.  As a person who is regularly aware of the presence of Spirits, I find it curious how often we make ghost or Spirits out to be scary tormented messengers of darkness.   What we are reflecting with this perception is awareness that the Spirit is stuck, disturbed, unable to move on and find peace.

We all are Spirits with a physical body and when we die our Spirit continues to exist.  What we call a ghost is the Spirit of a person, as it existed in a particular lifetime.  Ghosts linger in a physical place often where the person once spent time while alive.  Their Spirit was unable to complete some aspect of their experience from that life and remains stuck, revisiting the trauma or unfinished commitment.

On the night of the Zombie Crawl in Denver a couple of clients of mine went to a stately old hotel for a cocktail and struck up a conversation with the bartender about rumors of the hotel being haunted.  They were given permission to wander the halls to see what they might find.  With their perception tuned to the paranormal, they were open to seeing what wanted to be seen.

Suddenly in a certain hallway they both started feeling a heavy energy.  One of the women felt as if she was being choked and couldn’t breathe. They decided they’d had enough and returned to the hotel lobby, shaken.  Curious they asked a hotel employee if anything strange had ever happened in the room number they were next to when the sense of suffocation occurred.  A young woman had hung herself in that room.  Clearly the disturbance of her energy when she took her own life left her Spirit unresolved.  Her ghost is still lingering in the place of her death waiting for a healing that will allow her soul to move on.

Similarly when I see a Spiritual entity in a person’s aura space often it is stuck and ready to move on.  It has an  agreement with the person created in the past that is no longer serving either.  We create agreements with Spirits (some angels of light or darkness, some disincarnate human souls) when we need help with a life experience that we feel we can’t manage ourselves.  They help us stay safe in certain circumstances but when we outgrow the circumstances they may stay stuck in our space, required to keep the agreement.

Another way we may be associated with a Being is through our family.  Our ancestors create agreements with Spirits that get passed down through the generations to their descendants.  These Spirits can be in our energy field subtly influencing what we attract into our lives or are attracted to, without us being aware of it.

There are also Spirits that get into our aura space without personal or familial invitation.  We take them on as part of our healing agreement with another person, to help them clear the Entity.  Or we participate in an activity that opens our energy field to them.  These Spirits are looking for energy or healing, and enter our aura because we are open to it.

Spirits are everywhere. We don’t need to fear them because we are in a position of power.  We always have the authority and choice to end agreements with Spirits and command that they leave our space.  One way to do this is to visualize a gold cord attaching them to God/the Supreme Being so they can move on/out of our energy field and take their next step as a Spirit. By doing so we are setting both the Spirit and our spirit free.

“You should know how I feel.”

The closer we are to a person the more we assume they will interpret and respond to our needs and desires without verbal communication.  It’s tempting to try to intuitively read other’s needs to reduce conflict in relationships but in doing so we enter hazardous territory.

Our first point of reference in any situation is how we would feel or experience it.  That is the root of why people expect others to know how they feel.  Those of us who are naturally intuitive first experienced reading others feelings and needs empathically (second chakra).  When we empathically read there’s a tendency to match the emotion which alters our clarity.

As we evolve our intuitive skills to a point of better boundaries, we move out of feeling a person and matching the energy, into a space of seeing (sixth chakra).  When seeing rather than feeling we are in a stronger position to provide support, if it is welcomed by the person in need.

Another hazard of reading someone’s needs and responding, rather than asking for direct communication, is identifying the source of truth we are seeing. Each human has four need centers:

  • body
  • mind (conscious or subconscious)
  • emotion/heart
  • soul/spirit

These aspects of Self are not always in agreement.  Our need centers perceive their yes/no with different priorities and filters.  The body may determine rest is the top priority while the mind and emotions override it with an agenda that they perceive is more important to complete before rest is allowed.  When we try to gauge this priority for someone else and respond to what we see, we come across as controlling rather than supporting what they know to be true for themselves.

In addition, when we read others without their permission, even if it is from a place of wanting to help, we are intruding on their psychic space.  That intrusion whether consciously noticed or not, creates discomfort for the person we are reading.  They feel outside energy in their space and find it harder to get clear on their own needs. They push back actively or passively to try to regain a sense of stability for themselves.

People we care about may insinuate they want us to read their minds or know what they need without us asking them, but when we do there are many potential land mines to navigate. Our best course of action is to communicate more than necessary when we sense someone needs something from us before we act.  And stay focused on keeping a clear awareness of our own needs so we can communicate them to those who support us.

The word control has a bad rap.  It’s associated with being anal, uptight, rigid, difficult and domineering.  There are ways that control supports our health and others that block us from having joy.  The two primary faces of control that we look at as we cultivate our intuitive awareness are:

1)      Control that sets a clear boundary for our energetic space

2)      Control of others, an intrusion into their energetic space

This first type of control helps us maintain “seniority” or “authority” over our energetic space.  In activating this type of control we claim our true power to be the one calling the shots regarding our soul’s experience in this body.  When we don’t exercise seniority in our psychic space (sixth chakra, center of head), other people’s energy and the energy of spiritual entities (beings without a body) can get in our aura and alter our emotions and perspective.

The presence of another’s energy in our psychic space, alters our clarity and drains our power.  One indicator that someone’s energy is in your space, versus your own thoughts seeking them out, is a thought of them that pops into your mind while you are doing another focused activity.  For example your mind is engaged in a project or conversation, thinking a specific line of thought then – bink – out of nowhere their name or a thought of them interrupts your thoughts. 

It does no harm to move their energy out of your psychic space and give yourself room.  This can be done using the simple visualization of their energy moving out of the center of your head into a bubble and sending that bubble of their energy back to them.

The second type of control has earned its bad rap, yet it is generated from our human nature, so no one is immune.  From the earliest age we develop abilities to control and manipulate others to get our needs met.  It’s a survival skill and comes from a place of innocence.  As we grow-up, especially if our basic needs are not met, these skills may evolve into unhealthy controlling behaviors that intrude in other people’s energetic space.  Often they show up in the guise of trying to help someone, provide advice or fix something we perceive is broken in them.  Whenever the attempt to heal or help is engaged without the permission and consent of the person you have energy on, it becomes controlling and has negative results.

Most controlling behavior is subconscious. The controller perceives they are doing something positive to help the person they are trying to control.  But it doesn’t feel that way to the person being controlled.  Even if it sounds good, it still feels sticky-icky when help comes from a place of control.  And the deeper motivation behind it is always to make the person controlling feel better.  The out-of-control healer (OUCH) intrudes into our psychic space. This disrupts our clarity and undermines our personal power.  

As an exercise in consciousness we can use our intuition to notice when we are pushing an agenda, not staying neutral to someone’s choices or pain. This usually results in wanting to fix their problem or take away their suffering.  These are the points where we are most likely to invade their space with unwanted help, trying to make ourselves feel more comfortable by controlling our perception of their pain.

To develop our intuitive awareness we need to heal our use of control energy.  This happens when we exercise seniority over our space and become conscious of our controlling behavior, shifting into a place of neutrality around another’s choices and experiences.  Then we can truly help them in ways that honor their own spiritual seniority.

Some people fuel their life by tapping into the energy of others.  The most skilled energy consumers find a way to hook into us and keep us hanging.  Part of their pattern is use of a compelling promise that goes unfulfilled. It is sticky to keep us from detaching from them.  This type of draining relationship connection feeds on our deepest desires, making it particularly hard to reclaim our power.

We may notice the relationship has us waiting on a future return but subconsciously feel there’s a payoff in it for us, the fulfillment of something we need.  Our desire may be the love they offer, the purpose we feel from helping them, a sense of being valued, or the influence we may gain from connection to their projected power. I call this the hook and retreat energy dynamic. 

This friend, lover or family member frequently says or insinuates the value of staying connected to them is in a future promise.  “When I do ______, you’re going to get ______.”  When I make a lot of money, when I become famous, when I get a divorce, when I get promoted, when I die, when I finish whatever I am doing that requires me to ask you for more energy than I give you in return.  Unfortunately the time of rebalancing rarely comes.  The energy consumer hasn’t figured out how to generate their own power so they seek it in outside sources.  If they do finally achieve a goal, there’s no lasting payout for us because their target changes to a future date.

We all have been on both sides of energy exchange; no one is immune to moments of giving or taking out-of-balance. But when we experience hook and retreat, our body will let us know through a sensation of tightness or queasiness in our belly.  This is the location of our third chakra, where we activate our personal power.  The body notices that our power is being redirected.  The result is less energy for our own creations and a sense of being off-balance. 

The hook and retreat relationship has moments that make us feel crazy.  The words, actions and energy of the energy consumer are questionable enough to evoke a sense of uncertainty.  Our intuition is trying to make us aware of the deception.  The energy consumer always believes their own story so they don’t realize they are being deceptive.  The imbalance created from the cord into our core makes it hard to see clearly and remove ourselves or renegotiate the relationship. 

Here are a couple of tools you can practice to reclaim your power when you have been hooked:

  • Clean out your 3rd chakra.  Visualize a gold rose and see it mopping out that belly area front to back, soaking up all the energy that is not yours in that space.  Imagine the rose flying somewhere far away and dissipating.  Call your energy back to you from any person you’ve given your power away to and fill the empty space with your own vibration.
  • Visualize a Protection Rose in the space between you and this person.  The intention of the rose is to filter out any attempts to attach to your energy.

The stealth aspect of this behavioral pattern is how it taps into our subconscious desire.  We are seduced by a subversive agenda.  The truth that we are never going to get the need met is hard to see. It feels possible and it feels strong.   By reclaiming our energy space we have the opportunity to see the relationship more clearly and gain energy to use for our own creations.

When our personal space is entered in a way that feels disturbing, anger can alert us take action.  In response to our sense of discomfort, we may physically exit the situation, speak words that give us more space, make ourselves unavailable through non-response or surround ourselves with other people to create a buffer.  Unless it is a reoccurring pattern with a person we know, having a boundary violated usually catches us off guard.  When we recognize it in the moment we have a chance to respond and shift the energy. Otherwise we will find that we’ve given our energy away and have some self-healing to do.  

Recently at a conference out of town, a co-worker asked me to meet over dinner to discuss business.  When the opportunity presented itself for me to meet with a critical client at the same time, I asked if we could postpone our meeting.  He urged me to say no to the client, because he needed to tell me something important.  Over dinner I found myself listening to a long resume of this man’s experience that eventually led up to him admitting that he wanted to pick my brain for insights on how he could better sell himself as a writer and see if I would be interested in selling his writing services for a commission.  Over the course of the conversation I noticed my energy getting depleted and activated the Protection Rose tool described later in this post. I was angry at myself for saying yes to his request without a clear understanding of his expectations and angry at him for violating my boundaries.  When he finally got to the punch line it was clear that his urgency was to serve his private agenda not our mutual business commitments and I had missed an opportunity to do my job.  The boundaries of my time and energy had been crossed. 

Anger is a big neon flashing light pointed at an infringement of our boundaries.  It may feel like self-criticism if we noticed the boundary being crossed and didn’t stand up for our self, or it may be directed at the person or experience that crossed our boundary.  Usually people who push our edges aren’t conscious of it.  They are simply on a path to self-satisfaction and operating within their own reference points for what’s acceptable. They may not know any other way to source energy than to take it from someone else.  Physiologically anger gives us a surge of adrenaline that is necessary to go to battle on our own behalf.  The warrior within comes to assist us with resetting the boundary. We show up for ourselves. 

Anger itself is not negative but what we do with anger has given it a bad reputation.  Paying attention to the source of our anger awakens us to a boundary being crossed while it’s happening.  Only then do we have the opportunity to use our energy tools to hold a healthy space for ourselves.  My favorite in-the-moment tool is the Protection Rose.  When you feel someone trying to tap into your energy or enter your personal space in a way that is unacceptable, visualize a rose in the space between you.  The rose has a stem deeply rooted into the earth.  The blossom of the rose acts as a filter, protecting you from any energy coming from the person that is depleting or not in your highest good.  This works for phone conversations too.   Use of a Protection Rose shifts the experience so you can stay present to take further actions that are in alignment with your health.

The Power to Heal Yourself

Natalie —  October 14, 2010 — Leave a comment

In recent generations of human evolution we have grown more and more distant from the messages offered by our body and spirit.  Demands on our time, the drone of city life and our constant interaction with people we do not know, have resulted in us shutting down certain levels of perception. We do this as an act of self-preservation, in order to avoid feeling bombarded and overwhelmed with these sensations when making our way through everyday life.  This sensory awareness may result in physical and emotional indicators that cannot be explained.  Western civilization has given us clinical names and labels, such as depression and anxiety, for the mystery symptoms experienced by large numbers of people.  While the symptoms have both physical and spiritual origins, on a spirit level they are signs of the oversaturation of a person’s aura with the energies of others.  

Without healthy boundaries, the aura of highly intuitive people is like a sponge absorbing our surroundings.  We feel the energy of the unhappy driver behind us, an angry co-worker or bitter words said between husband and wife at the grocery store.  Over time, the aura, our filter of the world, meant to be the beginning and end point of our body-spirit signature, gets congested.  If our energetic filter is not being cleaned out regularly, like bacteria built up in a sponge, it gets stinky and is less effective at its job.  The consciousness of our times demands development of skills to create healthy boundaries for ourselves and experience inner peace.  

It is an act of self-healing to release energy that is not ours from our space.  To set our space each day is preventative medicine for our energetic body. When we cultivate these skills within ourselves, we claim our capacity to heal.  It takes less than 15 minutes to clean out your aura at the beginning or end of each day.  Here’s one way: 

Visualize a tree trunk attached to the base of your spine and rooted into the center of the earth.  Own it by writing your name on it and bring it into present time adding today’s date.  Include a switch or button, one that you can set to “full release.” Notice anything in your aura bubble that is no longer serving you, watch it release down the tree trunk.  This energy is simply changing form, not causing any harm to the planet or others.  Then set your intention for the day.  Imagine the aura bubble around your body as complete, without any holes or gaps, give it a new color.  Fill in your energetic body with a positive vibration of your choice, to set the tone of your day.  Place protection roses on the outside of your aura in the six directions: in front, behind, right, left, above and below.  Step into your day from a point of inner peace!